Like most people who do not live in the same city with their biological family I look forward to the Christmas’ holiday with sheer delight and seethed dread. Yes, I use the five letter word dread because it seems as if all the unfinished family’s drama from the previous year is dysfunctionally packed away in the basement only to be reopened the morning of the following Christmas’ day. SURPRISE . . . mom is getting another divorce . . . SURPRISE . . . aunt is asking are you gay because you won’t to fix your uncle’s plate because he got two hands . . . SURPRISE . . . your fifteen year old male cousin is having a baby . . . SURPRISE . . . your older brother is taking grandmother to court because he wants to control her will . . . SURPRISE. All of these surprises make you want to grumble in your best Scrooge’s impersonation—bah hum bug. In a nutshell, my family makes Tyler Perry’s familial antics look pretty pedestrian and normal which is why I’ve developed some bullet points on how to survive the holidays with the family using Tiger Wood’s related news stories as well as other news worthy stories. To begin:
- Don’t model Tiger Woods’ infidelity. Holiday Translation: Don’t buy the same cheap gift from Target and give it to each family member expecting them not to find out you gave everyone the same gift.
- Don’t make stupid statements like Al Sharpton. Holiday Translation: Don’t tell the stupid person above that he should have only given the cheap Target gifts to black women in the family unless you want Christmas dinner in the dog house.
- Don’t repeat the word “high tech lynching” without understanding the history of lynching. Holiday Translation: When eating dinner at the table with your family, just keep your mouth shut about all controversial and intelligent topics unless it’s about the weather and cheese. We all know how one stupid comment can cause some family members to hold a grudge for the next ten year.