Dear Black Woman,

First, let me commend you on succeeding against all odds. Somehow you managed; you managed to make it through junior high and high school with your confidence intact. Despite my incessant barrage of negative imagery, you somehow made it this far in your life with a positive sense of self. I applaud you for that. While I constantly tried to beat it into your head that you were undesirable, you somehow managed to discover just how amazing you really are. And again, I applaud you for that. But don’t let your guard down. I have a trump card.


No man=no happily ever after. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you. I thought it was enough to drill it into you every night but I see I have to remind you because Beyoncè has tried to undo all of my hard work. Let me say it again: NO man= NO happily ever after.

Don’t you go and start blaming yourself for it. Let me let you in on a secret: I backed you into a corner on this one. First, I started floating this silly little statistic about educated Black women. You know the one that basically says a degree is man-repellant? I’ll admit that there are certain factors that may decrease the pool of acceptable mates for a woman of your status in life. (I wish you could see me snickering as I write this…) I’m not happy that your illusion is crumbling, I’m happy that those same measures I took to keep the Black Man downtrodden are keeping you unhappy as well. Creating poor education systems that feed right into prison systems and ensure that all Black men are uneducated criminals was my best project to date. See what I did there?

I meant this to be a congratulatory letter but really, it’s a thank you. I do appreciate you making my job easier. Enjoy that cushy life you’ve built because the buck stops here. Hope those degrees will keep you warm at night.



P.S. “Black man ain’t shit” is a brilliant motto. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it myself. Anywho, thanks again!

P.P.S. I almost forgot. Remember that expanding Black middle class I promised you? Yeah, that won’t be happening because if you aren’t getting married and having families…you aren’t encouraging any growth there and I can only help those that help themselves. It’s a numbers game. Come back when yours are up again. Thanks!