So last week Beyonce gave the people a morsel of her upcoming release and the internet went bonkers. The sonic appetizer is expectedly–I suppose–ratchet, An homage to the city where she was born and raised, “Bow Down” is chopped and screwed Beyonce-style.
Of course a whiff of Beyonce and bloggers gotta blog, adding two cents to a piggy bank full of enough pennies to eliminate the national debt. Was Beyonce sneezing a feminist act? No, because Jay-Z handed her a handkerchief, asserting his masculinity over the vulnerability of her snotty nose! Yes, because although he gave her the handkerchief it was monogrammed with her initials and he only had it because she refused to carry a purse. Besides, only a woman sure of herself would sneeze on camera!
I suppose that’s my snarky response to a conversation that’s tired and unimaginative. You know what’s not tired, though? Lists! (Actually they probably are tired, but the internet loves lists, it’s a slow week, and I’ve grown weary of writing about dead black kids.) Taking my cue from Beyonce’s lead single, I present:
Things, Other than Bitches, that Should #BowDown to Beyonce:
Wind machines. No-brainer right here. I’m sure the kids will correct me if I’m wrong, but I think the wind machine foremother was Ms. Ross. Well, Beyonce has seen Ms. Ross’ machine and raised it to category five hurricane. Every time Beyonce performs, the national weather service should issue an emergency. I swear George Bush wish he sent Beyonce to New Orleans. Katrina would’ve bowed down and subsequently withered back into the ocean. (Too soon?)
The stiletto-makers of the world. George Bush does not care about black people. Stiletto designers do not care about your ankles (or your calves or your back). You know what, though? Beyonce does not care about stiletto-makers. Say whatever you want about Usher or JT or Chris Brown or whatever dude’s dance moves you like. Have them do those same routines–in stilettos. Now, I know Beyonce is not the originator. Women have been performing superheroic feats in uncomfortable shoes since Fuzzy was a pup, but I just want to give a shout out to Beyonce for continuing to mock shoemakers by putting a little stank on her dance moves. #bowdown
The surname Carter. Seriously, Carter is one of the most basic names ever. You probably had a homeroom teacher named Mrs. Carter and thought nothing of it. When I say Mrs. Carter, who do you think about? Jimmy Carter’s wife? Hell no. Nell Carter? Gimme a break. You think about Beyonce. Beyonce put the name Carter on. The Mrs. Carter tour will not only break your local sports stadium, but it’s going to make women who can (legally) go by the name Mrs. Carter, like, super obnoxious for the next two years. I predict that some phrase featuring the name Mrs. Carter will replace “Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.” It had a good run. But it’s the Mrs. Carter era now.
Sesame Street. Since, like, forever Sesame Street has been responsible for teaching our youngest minds the basics while entertaining their adult guardians. (Shout out to all the adults who learn stuff by watching Sesame Street, too.) Each episode is brought to us by a letter and a number. But you know what? Beyonce has done more for the letter B than any Sesame Street episode ever could. (Of course, this is a purely non-scientific assertion, but who cares about science? #theworldisflat) If Beyonce could trademark the letter B, I bet she would. You know what? I bet she did try. Now, sure, B is an incredibly versatile letter and, along with J, seems to be the most popular letter in the alphabet. But you know what, B? Beyonce took that letter and made it all Frenchie-Creole fancy with the added -ey. This generation knows the letter B before Sesame Street does any work. You know why? Because of Bey-once. #bowdown
The color blue. Quick. Name the saddest color ever. That’s right it was blue. Until Beyonce had a baby. Now Blue is like the happiest color ever. (Same goes for ivy. Folks are just going to start shellacking the stuff on buildings if they haven’t already. Just you watch.) Envy will no longer be the sole resident of green. We will now be green with sadness because blue no longer has a sad face.
Now, excuse me while I go #bowdown to Monday. Hopefully Beyonce will son the work week next.