It’s awards season. And although I did not spend a tremendous amount of time in the movie theater, I learned a thing or two about what’s hot in Hollywood, which might be summed up in the following tweet from Erykah Badu:
Judging from the trailers I sometimes catch while watching television, this observation seems about right. There are two billboards within three blocks of my home: one of a few pale white people (Twilight) and one of Jamie Foxx (Django Unchained). The combination of Badu’s tweet along with the deluge of for and against commentary I’ve seen clog up my various social media timelines about Taratino’s now Golden Globe-winning project, I think now is the right time for me to pitch a film project that encapsulates Hollywood’s current obsession with the garlic-allergic and the enslaved. Check out my one page after the jump.
Name: Summer M.
Contact information: email@example.com
Title: Harriet Tubman Runaway Vampire Slayer
Genre: Fantasy-historical-superhero action film-feminist buddy movie
Logline: A runaway slave takes the dangerous trek back south to free more of her people–until she discovers that some of the people she’s liberated are actually blood-sucking vampires.
Set on the eve of the Civil War, Harriet Tubman Runaway Vampire Slayer (HTRVS) takes on the legend of the “Moses of Her People”–with a twist. During one of her excursions back south to free more slaves, Tubman–a potty-mouthed badass who says “cracker” a lot–discovers one of the field Negroes, a man by the name of Sammy, sucking the blood of a woman he claimed to be his wife. When she returns to the North, Tubman enlists the help of one of her learned abolitionist white friends (potentially played by Robin Thicke). Through his research–she can’t read–they discover that Sammy is a member of a set of obsequious time-traveling Negroes from the future who have been sent back in time to infect enough runaway slaves to infiltrate and undermine the Union Army to ensure the Confederacy’s success. With the help of the abolitionist’s black maid Esther, who worries that the white man she loves, a benevolent slavemaster #oxymoron named John Brown (not that John Brown, but ideally played by Justin Timberlake), will die in a slave insurrection. Esther and the hatchet-wielding Tubman, must venture south to save John Brown and destroy the time-travelers’ mothership masked as a plantation and kill all of the vampires, who they can only identify by piecing together clues hidden in the song “Dixie.”
This film is guaranteed to generate Oscar buzz and land filmmakers a slew of BET and NAACP Image Awards. What’s more, I anticipate a “Hatchet Harriet” line of action figures will flying off of shelves during Kwanzaa.
Thank you for your consideration.
Hollywood, get at me.