Although LeBron James and the Miami Heat recently repeated as champions of the NBA, there is still plenty of excitement in men’s professional basketball. Today, or last night rather, the free agent frenzy began. Some teams, like the Houston Rockets, will look to add a player that will turn them into title contenders, while others, such as the Boston Celtics, have already started the process of breaking up the nucleus of their team in an effort to rebuild. One of the more famous skits that aired during the two legendary seasons of Chappelle’s Show was a bit called the racial draft, where racial groups drafted and traded for famous people for their “team.” The combination of the summer of the NBA, Chappelle’s genius, and recent current events, have inspired to me to speak on behalf of black America and notify the rest of the world that we are entertaining offers for the following people, who are available singly or as part of a package deal:

Stacey Dash: We used to highlight this actress as a great example of the axiom “It don’t crack,” since she was like 47 when she played Cher’s best friend, Dionne in Clueless. Her support for Mitt Romney during last year’s presidential election got more than a few side-eyes. And yet, it’s her tweet of support for Paula Deen that spawned the Twitter hashtag #StaceyDashsupports. I kind of find Stacey Dash’s tweets oddly hilarious, but a this point I’m pretty sure Negroes everywhere are over her.

LL Cool J: Sure, LL hasn’t said a whole lot since he made a record with Brad Paisley, I will be you five dollars that had/if those two decided to remix “Accidental Racist,” LL would’ve spit an ad lib like, “Paula Deen, if you forgive us for juice and gin/we forgive you for the cotton gin/Word to butter.” Or something. I heard “Going Back to Cali” yesterday and got all misty eyed, because Todd used to be dope and because we also hardly knew him. I know he’s been pretty quiet, but I still think he should be traded before his healthy eating cookbook co-written with the aforementioned Paula Deen is published. (What? You know this is going to happen, right?)

Lolo Jones: Listen, I know there’s a mixed-race movement or whatever, but I’m pretty sure that hypodescent means that black people have the rights to Lolo Jones. She’s the obnoxiously annoying, 2.0 version of Dan and Dave sans Dave. She gets all the attention although she has yet to win a crucial race. When she loses; she pouts. Then she decides to talk smack about Rachel Jeantel on Twitter. And I’m sure this will all be followed by an interview wherein Lolo cries because folks came for her after her tweet. She has to go. And since she’s already had–and has complained about–adventures in bobsledding, I’m pretty sure she’s ready to go.

We are entertaining all offers, folks. Except those that include racists. And Justin Timberlake. (Screw his BET Awards appearance.)

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