Love Where the Black Woman Is Not White

At a first glance from the average black female, I’m dateable, if the thought comes across her mind. However, if my fingers should ever cross the knuckles of a white hand, I am dead to her; I am no longer a “brotha.” In this case, you are witnessing a type of black on black hatred that originates from insecurity. Black women and men are dealing with a shortage of swagger in their own skin. The black profile loses it smoothness while sharing space with a white person because our minds operate on an “us” and “them” mode. “Oh, he’s with that white wench, the sistas must not be good for that Uncle Tom,” We’ve heard it all before, right? It’s wrong.

We continue to carry inferiority because upon looking in the mirror and noticing we aren’t white, we see ugliness. It’s not by coincidence that more black women choose the relaxer over locks or that younger women want color contacts. A black man with a white woman reminds the black woman that she is not enough and the response is anger. I walk through Boy’s town one day with a friend of mine, a white female, and I feel the hostility. As we pass a black woman, the urge to maintain her pride leads her to shout, “We’ll steal your man honey!” She doesn’t have to know that we aren’t dating.  The hatred is inspired by just seeing a white woman next to a black man; he found someone better, someone white. So now we hear, “since he got himself a white girl, Ima get me a Sylvester Stallone.”  Violence, yet again. It’s a sad situation these days; love is becoming revenge. Not only does the myth of inferiority weaken the black woman by making her see only filth in the mirror, but it also makes her want to hurt the black man. One of the biggest problems in the black community comes from a lie.

The creation of the fib has it place in history, but it’s time to forget. Black women, if you see me walking down the street with the girl of my dreams and she happens to be white, please understand that I didn’t choose her because she is white. Love finds its way through a combination of timing and the perfect personality. Understanding love will cure the pain that we still feel from being told years ago that we aren’t human, that we were only good for picking cotton, separate but equal, etc. When interracial relationships bond people, society comes closer to realizing that the difference in levels of humanity is truly non-existent. I don’t love a brown haired, light skinned, German, but I do love an aspiring journalist with a feminist twist.  Together, we are taking that true step towards understanding equality.

Love can be "unthinkable," are you ready for a love that transcends cultural consideration?

  • Camille Lynn Wright

    Though this blog is valid in its point, I feel that it’s irresponsibly pointing the finger at black women, and black women only. You say “It’s not by coincidence…black choose relaxer over locks…women want color contacts.” It’s also not a coincidence that these choices are a result of what men implicitly and explicitly tell black women how they must look to be attractive. In popular culture, we don’t often see dark skinned women or women rocking natural hair being pursued. We see the light skinned girls with long, straight hair and hazel eyes constantly being told, “Yes, we want you. Yes, you’re beautiful.”

    I think it’s a bit arrogant when black men think they individually are the ones who infuriate black women women. It’s not the single black man/white woman couple that hurts us, it’s the entire institution. When black women work hard and do everything the institution tells them to do to be beautiful (straighten hair, contacts, ass out, ect.) and, still, we are rejected…that is where the frustration comes from.

    I also think it is arrogant to think of black women who pursue black men as violent and wanting to hurt the black man. More than retaliation, I think it is a natural response. If it takes seeing a black man with a white woman to realize that you too can date outside of your race, then have at it.

    My biggest problem with this post is that it is bashing black women for their frustration in a Western world while holding black men responsible for absolutely nothing. I also think it is unrealistic to say that we should always assume a black man with a white woman is with her because, “she has a bright future and a great personality.” No one can argue that Western standards of beauty do influence even the most militant black radicalists of our day, and I think that they should own up to it instead of hiding behind the overplayed notion of “true colorblind love.”

    **I support interracial relationships of all kinds, but I think we need to be honest of the social influences that quite often bring them together.

  • Camille Lynn Wright

    Though this blog is valid in its point, I feel that it’s irresponsibly pointing the finger at black women, and black women only. You say “It’s not by coincidence…black choose relaxer over locks…women want color contacts.” It’s also not a coincidence that these choices are a result of what men implicitly and explicitly tell black women how they must look to be attractive. In popular culture, we don’t often see dark skinned women or women rocking natural hair being pursued. We see the light skinned girls with long, straight hair and hazel eyes constantly being told, “Yes, we want you. Yes, you’re beautiful.”

    I think it’s a bit arrogant when black men think they individually are the ones who infuriate black women women. It’s not the single black man/white woman couple that hurts us, it’s the entire institution. When black women work hard and do everything the institution tells them to do to be beautiful (straighten hair, contacts, ass out, ect.) and, still, we are rejected…that is where the frustration comes from.

    I also think it is arrogant to think of black women who pursue black men as violent and wanting to hurt the black man. More than retaliation, I think it is a natural response. If it takes seeing a black man with a white woman to realize that you too can date outside of your race, then have at it.

    My biggest problem with this post is that it is bashing black women for their frustration in a Western world while holding black men responsible for absolutely nothing. I also think it is unrealistic to say that we should always assume a black man with a white woman is with her because, “she has a bright future and a great personality.” No one can argue that Western standards of beauty do influence even the most militant black radicalists of our day, and I think that they should own up to it instead of hiding behind the overplayed notion of “true colorblind love.”

    **I support interracial relationships of all kinds, but I think we need to be honest of the social influences that quite often bring them together.

  • Camille Lynn Wright

    ^typo…

    “I also think it is arrogant to think of black women who pursue WHITE men as violent and wanting to hurt the black man.”

  • Camille Lynn Wright

    ^typo…

    “I also think it is arrogant to think of black women who pursue WHITE men as violent and wanting to hurt the black man.”

  • Keantre Malone

    Aren’t I being honest about the white aesthetic though? I’m not denying that those standards are hurled at the black woman, what I’m saying is that we are not powerless to the creation of such standards. I see Love, blind love as primary step because we deconstruct those cultural meanings when we do the “unthinkable.” The problem with interracial dating takes place on the theoretical platform. And my piece on the black man will come soon.

  • Keantre Malone

    Aren’t I being honest about the white aesthetic though? I’m not denying that those standards are hurled at the black woman, what I’m saying is that we are not powerless to the creation of such standards. I see Love, blind love as primary step because we deconstruct those cultural meanings when we do the “unthinkable.” The problem with interracial dating takes place on the theoretical platform. And my piece on the black man will come soon.

  • Sarah Negron

    I really like the blog because it addresses a serious problem within the black communty. You’re right when you say “Black women and men are dealing with a shortage of swagger in their own skin” because it’s true. Society conditions its members to reject blackness and, as a result, individuals resort to other races for consolation, which is unfortunate.I don’t feel like you’re bashing the black woman, but rather placing the self hatred within the black community into a limited context, one that involves black women who, due to society and other external influences, date white men simply because they are white. And, as far as they are concerned, white is right.

    That is not always the case though. And you address that when you say “When interracial relationships bond people, society comes closer to realizing that the difference in levels of humanity is truly non-existent” It’s the truth, love is love, it shouldnt be based on skin color, but rather that inner person.

    I am glad that you are going to write a blog on the black man because I agree with Camille in the sense that the blog focuses more on the female response (anger) to black male/white female relationships rather than the male response to black female/white male partnerships. But the blog goes beyond that and you’re right that there are people in the world are like that. Not ALL people, but some.

    And as far as relaxing my hair, its for maintenance reasons, not race ones…honestly.

    But yes, loved it. The draft is still saved on my computer, cant wait to read more = )

  • Sarah Negron

    I really like the blog because it addresses a serious problem within the black communty. You’re right when you say “Black women and men are dealing with a shortage of swagger in their own skin” because it’s true. Society conditions its members to reject blackness and, as a result, individuals resort to other races for consolation, which is unfortunate.I don’t feel like you’re bashing the black woman, but rather placing the self hatred within the black community into a limited context, one that involves black women who, due to society and other external influences, date white men simply because they are white. And, as far as they are concerned, white is right.

    That is not always the case though. And you address that when you say “When interracial relationships bond people, society comes closer to realizing that the difference in levels of humanity is truly non-existent” It’s the truth, love is love, it shouldnt be based on skin color, but rather that inner person.

    I am glad that you are going to write a blog on the black man because I agree with Camille in the sense that the blog focuses more on the female response (anger) to black male/white female relationships rather than the male response to black female/white male partnerships. But the blog goes beyond that and you’re right that there are people in the world are like that. Not ALL people, but some.

    And as far as relaxing my hair, its for maintenance reasons, not race ones…honestly.

    But yes, loved it. The draft is still saved on my computer, cant wait to read more = )

  • Tre,

    I enjoyed reading your blog. Yes we all know we have issues in our community from both brotha’s and sista’s regarding interracial dating. In my opinion, there’s still a lot of deep embedded scars and wounds that have not healed from interracial situations in the past in which violence played a primary factor so when such has a root from violence pain,abuse,also such a thing being forbidden at one point. Through pain people become accustomed to sticking with their
    own. If you look closely there are many cultures that only date within their culture, to keep their culture or bloodline strong and flowing. Enclosing there are various reasons why these reactions occur, however disrespect or violence should never be a option that is why we all have free will to love and date whom we choose.Although society has certain expectations of us we have to be strong in who we are by transcending the society to adjust,we’ve adjusted long enough. There were some very valid points from all of the blogs this is what society needs intelligent productive communication from people of all walks of life,it’s really what makes the world go round everyone is able to teach and learn from one another.

    Good Work Tre,
    I expect nothing less from the best.

  • Tre,

    I enjoyed reading your blog. Yes we all know we have issues in our community from both brotha’s and sista’s regarding interracial dating. In my opinion, there’s still a lot of deep embedded scars and wounds that have not healed from interracial situations in the past in which violence played a primary factor so when such has a root from violence pain,abuse,also such a thing being forbidden at one point. Through pain people become accustomed to sticking with their
    own. If you look closely there are many cultures that only date within their culture, to keep their culture or bloodline strong and flowing. Enclosing there are various reasons why these reactions occur, however disrespect or violence should never be a option that is why we all have free will to love and date whom we choose.Although society has certain expectations of us we have to be strong in who we are by transcending the society to adjust,we’ve adjusted long enough. There were some very valid points from all of the blogs this is what society needs intelligent productive communication from people of all walks of life,it’s really what makes the world go round everyone is able to teach and learn from one another.

    Good Work Tre,
    I expect nothing less from the best.

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