If you don’t already know, time is a cruel mistress who demands her “pound of flesh” by yearly ripping away our youth and vitality.   Among my close circle of friends, all in our mid-to-late 20s, we have each begun taking action to thwart her evil plan.  The telltale signs of aging are starting to become visible for each of us, which has lead to my group of friends and myself taking up arms.  I have friends who make frequent visits to the church of skin ..uh sorry..derm(atologist)’s office, as well as others planning to have different surgeries to “touch up” what time tends to “touch down,” because there is nothing like removing a 20 year “touch down” line off of your face.   Even I have entered into the fray, exploring vitamins, dietary restrictions, and looking at different non-invasive procedures (i.e., I sleep in a cryostasis pod filled to the brink with the perservatives found in Twinkies and McDonald burgers). This is a war people! If you aren’t ready to fight, then be prepared to die (read: decline like a property value or a car driven off a lot)!

If my poetic prose do not stir you to action, how about the facts? In 2010, despite the economic downturn in 2008, plastic surgery procedures became more popular among men in the United States. “According to data from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) men underwent 1.1 million plastic surgery procedures in 2010, an average increase of 2 percent over the previous year.”

So as I plan out my “touch up” agenda for my 30th birthday, which is several years away, I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone. There are many males getting “touch ups,” be it invasive/surgical procedures (e.g., Liposuction, Facelift, Ear Surgery, and Breast Reductions) or minimally-invasive treatments (e.g., Botunlinum/Botox, Laser Hair Removal, Microdermabrasion and Chemical Peel).Many of us have humble goals like having a six-pack we didn’t work for; or buns of silicon steel; wrinkle-free faces far into our 70s as nature intended; and other massive synthol enhanced appendages that are probably not genetically possible. But what the hell? If you can buy it, then why not? 

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhczmdZh-zE

Male Breast Reduction

Here are some more interesting and fun-filled facts about United States’ males in the age of plastic surgery:

  • The majority of men’s top ten fastest growing cosmetic procedures are surgical, which bucks the previous trend of growth in minimally-invasive treatments.

 Men’s Top Ten: Fastest-Growing Male Cosmetic Procedures (by percentage increase, including surgical and minimally-invasive treatments).

  1. Facelift – 14% increase
  2. Ear Surgery (Otoplasty) – 11% increase
  3. Soft Tissue Fillers – 10% increase
  4. Botunlinum Toxin Type A – 9% increase
  5. Liposuction – 7% increase
  6. Breast Reduction in Men – 6% Increase
  7. Eyelid Surgery – 4% increase
  8. Dermabrasion – 4% increase
  9. Laser Hair Removal – 4% increase
  10. Laser Treatment of Leg Veins – 4% increase

The question we all have is who comprises this group of males getting “touch ups.” Surprise, surprise, it is the average guy next door. You know, the guy who eats hamburgers, goes to the gym, and thinks he can sustain a high school boy’s diet.  According to plastic surgeon Stephen Baker, his typical male patients are “‘men’s men,’ the kind of guy you might not think would have plastic surgery.”

Indiana Jones’ manly or not, if you start self-care or “up-keep” too late in the game, you are a dead man walking. Proper up-keep has to start at a young age. The younger, the better, like during the pre-teen years. Along with universal healthcare, better education, and Gardisal (for boys and girls), I wish the US provided each of her children with a lifetime supply of both Regenerist and sun block (45) lotion.  I dare say that if a choice had to be made between education and “up-keep,” the rational decision speaks for itself.

As someone who only started self-care at the age of 21, I shudder to think of how much decay happened in those first 20 years of life.  Unfortunately, I now have to spend thousands of dollars to pay for my cryo-pod and the Mc-Twinkie secret-sauce bath wash  just to break even with time, because, as I wrote earlier, she’s a cruel-cruel mistress. To all my (soon to be) wizen male brethren, I beseech you to take action and fight the good fight; fight the dying of the light. We have to prepare because the enemy (read: time) comes to steal, kill and destroy.

With that said, I leave you with the list of top ten chosen actions our brethren have taken to stop the enemy (ranked by volume). 

  • Top Five Male Cosmetic Surgical procedures in 2010
  1. Nose Reshaping (64, 000)
  2. Eyelid Surgery (31,000)
  3. Liposuction (24,000)
  4. Breast Reduction in Men (18,000)
  5. Hair Transplantation (13,000)
  • Top Five Male Cosmetic Minimally-Invasive Procedures in 2010
  1. Botulinum Toxin Type A (337,000)
  2. Laser Hair Removal (165,000)
  3. Microdermabrasion (158,000)
  4. Chemical Peel (90,000)
  5. Soft Tissue Fillers (78,000)