Anyone that knows me will attest my reluctance to enter a relationship (including the current Boo Biscuit). In the past, my response to any questions about my relationship status has been to deny, deny, deny. I’m not the best liar in the world so it’s never worked but not for lack of trying. It’s not that I’m interested in being single for the rest of my life, because that doesn’t appeal to me at all. My approach to dating has always been to go with the flow. And it’s never felt “right” with a person until now and even now it doesn’t always feel right.
I’m a pretty independent person so the idea of having my emotions depend on the actions of another person is one that continues to trouble me. In essence, I am a relationship skeptic. It’s like the problem of other minds. Because humans are so complex mentally and emotionally, you cannot completely trust their behavior. The best actions can be guided by the worst intentions. I don’t want to put all of my trust in a person because no matter what their actions, I can never truly know their heart. Believing this, how could I ever make myself completely vulnerable to the whims and feelings of another person? How could a relationship ever actually feel right?
At this point in my life, I can’t be sure of any definite answers to those questions. I’m not sure if anything is ever always right. My parents have been the most solid definition of love a person could ask for and they aren’t always happy with one another. Married friends tell me that they aren’t always happy with their mates. The deciding factor in these relationships seems to be the fact that the happy moments outweigh the bad. And those bad moments aren’t bad enough to outweigh the idea of being alone.
I’ve been told that I think about love too much and in a way that I shouldn’t. But I am a definer. I need to know and that need to know is far stronger than any need to experience firsthand. Someone just tell me what I’m supposed to feel when I’m in love because otherwise, how will I know? Is it based on mutual attraction? Is it simply a matter of formally creating a “we”?
And if romantic love is all about formulating a “we”, what happens when “we” hit a rough spot? How do you know that your “we” is worth saving? And when do you know it’s time to sacrifice the “we” for “you”?