F’real. The Super Bowl is full of everything that makes America (fuck yeah!) annoying: jingoism, nationalism, materialism, ignorant amounts of food and violent masculinity. It should be national holiday, celebrated on the first Monday of February, which has more or less become the day after the Super Bowl. We need the time to recover and reflect, protest, and write snarky Facebook comments. Anyway, Super Bowl Sunday encapsulates just about every other holiday this nation celebrates:
- MLK Day — Black dudes and white dudes playing together for a common goal #Dreamrealized!
- Presidents’ Day — They read, like, the Declaration of Independence and stuff during pre-game.
- Memorial Day, Independence Day, Veterans Day — If the militaristic and war-like aspects of the game weren’t enough, there’s always a color guard marching before the game, someone sings the “Star Spangled Banner,” members of the armed forces are always shown overseas watching the game, and there are fighter jets. #BOOM
- Labor Day — Delivery drivers and folks frying wings notwithstanding, who’s tryna put in hours during the game?
- Columbus Day — Is there anything more imperialistic than giving the middle finger to the world by calling football football? Football is like rugby’s slave name or something.
- Thanksgiving Day — Have you seen the lines at a grocery store on Super Bowl Sunday afternoon?!
- Christmas Day — The commercials! The commercials!