Let’s face it, no one wants to sit around with the President, Joe Biden, Skip Gates, and some random police officer–with “diversity” training–drinking beer and pretending to talk about race. Sure, it’s a (free?) trip to the White House and all, but I don’t want to explain to Joe Biden what I mean by calling him the Pras of this Obama outfit with a bubbling belly full of Bud Light. (Buy American.)  I’d be sitting in my chair, staring at the filth, counting Secret Service dudes, and trying not to hum Stevie and Sir Paul’s “Ebony and Ivory” too loudly. Besides, I’d rather drink Hawaiian Punch and ask BHO how many times they’ve had Harold’s flown in. But who can end racism when a black person brings up chicken? Personally, I believe we might perfect this union more expediently over a 4-piece wing dinner (fried hard, salt, pepper, & mild sauce), but that’s probably just me. Besides, I don’t want to be blamed for getting the Bill of Rights all greasy. Either way, let this be a lesson to you (white) police officers out there: if you arrest the right black guy, you’ll get invited to the White House. Don’t shoot him, though, because that’s not cool.

Anyway, trying to impress your new, black feminist love interest by staying awake during Daughters of the Dust (not that I’ve ever done that) is probably a more comfortable and entertaining night than being a part of this effort towards interracial inebriation (and I like free alcohol), so I’ve decided to make up some stuff. I thought: what might those Secret Service dudes have heard during Beerfest?

Here, in a rather desultory order, are some snippets from my somewhat gruesome and inappropriate imagination:

Gates and Obama: No, Joe, Dred Scott is not a good name for a reggaeton group. Besides, there’s already a rapper going by that name.
Crowley: They’re right. I think I arrested that guy.

Obama: So I said to Sasha and Malia the other day, ‘Look, if I catch Bo doing a doodie in the Lincoln bedroom one more time, I’m going to hire Michael Vick as a dogwalker. I hear he’s looking for a job.’ They said, ‘No, daddy! We’ll call PETA!’ So I said, ‘I’m the president. You can call PETA. Heck, I’ll call PETA for you–on the RED phone. But please know I will arrest their leaders, detain them at an undisclosed location for an indeterminate amount of time, and feed them dead houseflies.’ Needless to say, Bo is doing his business outside, and I haven’t had to veto his ass.
Biden: If you talked to Congress that way, we might get something done.

Gates: Part of the reason I was late coming home that afternoon was because I stopped in Africa on my way back from China to look for Obama’s birth certificate. It wasn’t until last week that I found out it’s been in Cornel West’s afro the whole time. Now, Lou Dobbs wants to shave his head.

Biden: Stop me if you’ve heard this one already. Homer Plessy, Sally Hemmings, and Barack Obama walk into a bar…
Crowley *laughing, trying not to spit out his beer*: I know this one! Tell it! Tell it!

Obama: Maybe it’s the facial hair, but I think Ben Bernanke kind of looks like Uncle Pennybags. Which reminds me, I was playing Monopoly with some of my staff the other day, and Tim Geithner nearly went bankrupt trying to put hotels on Baltic and Mediterranean.
Crowley: Who ended up winning?
Biden: The Chinese.

Gates: It took several years of debate, but the last time I picked up my Harvard sweater from being cleaned, I finally convinced my Cambridge dry cleaner that The Canterbury Tales in Middle English is indeed worse than water boarding!” [*cue* collective fake laughter]

Biden: So, Crowley, what kind of music do you listen to?
Crowley: I listen to a lot of hip hop. My favorite song is Biggie’s “Who Shot Ya?
Obama: Really?
Crowley: Yeah. Told you I wasn’t a racist.

Gates: Crowley, I still can’t figure out why you arrested me. I’m just as white as Obama. I should know. I took a DNA test, and shared the results with the world during one of my famed documentaries.
Crowley: Yeah, I heard you were 50% white, genetically speaking. That’s why the charges were dropped.

Obama: Officer Crowley, when I said “stupidly,” what I meant was, you behaved in a manner that would have been perfectly acceptable had you not been arresting Professor Gates.

Crowley: I have no idea why anyone would think I am a racist. I use “A More Perfect Union” in my diversity training seminars all the time.

Gates: Crowley, I have to admit, that “yo[‘] mama” line in the police report was pretty terrible. It was so bad that I wanted to swat you with my cane. Have you not heard of my work? I’ve heard better quips on the yard at Harvard University, where I teach. You could’ve done much better. Let me teach you how to signify. Barack, yo[‘] mama’s so white, you got elected president. [Confession: that’s a semi-recycled joke]

Obama: Let’s go inside, guys. The Real Housewives of Atlanta is on.