So, I didn’t watch the Grammys last night because I have better things to do, like mentally compose haikus about how cold Chicago is and watch Negroes fight on Bravo while remarking about how terribly Christopher Williams aged. But thank god for the internet. I had heard/seen that this white rapper dude named Macklemore was going to perform some song called “Same Love” while a whole bunch of gay people got married on stage or something. Although this isn’t my kind of spectacle, I figured watching this performance on YouTube and posting my response(s) to it would be somewhat fresher than the awesome “thinkpiece” I had intended to write about Kendrick Lamar and Richard Sherman. Even I, a serious football fan, have grown tired of all this non-football fan attention Mr. Sherman has been getting. And even though I think he’s doing and saying some things that are worth note in this pop life landscape, I really don’t want to stoke the fire of that stale story. So anyway, it’s time to watch this performance.

Here we go:

  • Queen Latifah is so funny. She will never, ever tell you that she is the lady pond equivalent of David Hasselhoff, but she will straight up give you every context clue you ever needed. You look great, though, boo.
  • Four-time Grammy winner, hunh? This white boy slayed all the rap categories. It’s all good, though, black people are working on a new genre for y’all to jack in 5…4…3…
  • Speaking of, in like, 40 years, Kendrick Lamar is going to have a rap club in LA called Kendrick Lamar’s Back in the Day wherein all the white rappers of the day will drop by for impromptu freestyle sessions during their LA tour stops.
  • There will also be a rap group called The Like ’em Browns or The Sheranes. But I digress.
  • Again, why do gay people have to love each other to get married? When did that become a prerequisite?
  • Wow. This dude is a shitty rapper and an ever worse spoken word cat.
  • Oh my god. This shit is so stupid.
  • Wait. Let me understand. Straight white rapper writes a song about gay people having the “same love” while also providing a narrative about the homophobia of the genre he’s appropriating? And then goes in about religion? Check, please.
  • This dude makes Justin Timberlake look like Public Enemy.
  • As one of the first allegedly lesbian women I ever loved, Queen Latifah straight breaks my heart daily. I’d rather watch her and Common kiss than this right here.
  • 33 couples? How’d they find the couples? My guess is craigslist.
  • I hope every one of these marriages ends in divorce.
  • Wait. The Queen is an officiant?! I wonder how much she charges…
  • Madonna looking like the good sheriff. #disnigga
  • Spectacle, spectacle, spectacle
  • Obligatory shot of the interracial couple, because…
  • I really wish a real gospel choir from the 80s’s was singing.
  • So, Madonna and Queen Latifah are going to make out in 5…4…3…2… Wait. No?
  • This “she keeps me warm part…” LMBAO! Why is Madonna tryna sing? This is terrible. Queen better not sing a note or I will find a way to cut her.
  • This is more pathetic than the Pro Bowl.
  • The obligatory standing ovation.

Wow. That was fun. And by “This was fun” I mean: This was straight up pathetic. I mean, if y’all want a straight white dude to forward and get paid off of your cause with a mediocre song and stuff, well, okay. I’m not here for this. Not here for the appropriating of black art, blatant generalization of religion, etc. The spectacle of marriage.

This movement has officially jumped the shark. There is an important and critical voice out there, but that voice is being drowned out by drivel like this. Same-sex marriage will happen very soon. It’s inevitable. What concerns me is that folks won’t really recognize the implications of all that they’ve asked for nor understand how this movement does absolutely nothing to protect the marginalized and oppressed. New rule: neither presidents nor WASPY white boys can be the face of any radical movement that will enact real change. This is proof. Jay bringing Blue a new sippy cup is more revolutionary than this here.

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