Super Beyowl

The NFL Playoffs last weekend, which is to say that we’re mere weeks away from the  Super Bowl halftime performance by one Beyonce Giselle Knowles. Although I’m a huge football fan, I am admittedly looking forward to this performance almost as much as I am the game. It will in no way reached the stratosphere of Prince’s purple reign over Super Bowl XLI back in 2006, but it will surely provide us plenty entertainment to twitter and Facebook status about.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to post a series of prediction for Bey’s upcoming Super Bowl halftime show. Enjoy (I hope).

• Beyonce will perform the (rumored) lead single from her fifth album, a song called “Ratchet.” And black Twitter will explode, which is cool because Toure and Roland Martin will lose any and all internet access in the struggle.
• Speaking of Twitter, all the non-sports watching nerds I follow will start tweeting about football and stuff, and I’ll be all like omg, stfu, you know nothing.
• The Guiness record for the world’s largest wind machine will be set that night, and we will all be better for it.
• Destiny’s Child will reunite for a medley of their hits. Everyone will refer to Michelle Williams as that one girl because they can’t remember her anonymous-ass name, and Kelly Rowland will be added to the terrorist watch list for side-eyeing Beyonce for yet again thwarting the momentum of her current single featuring Lil Wayne.
• Speaking of Destiny’s Child, all the Buffalo fans who remember the 80s and 90s have to be talked off the ledge when they get into “Bills, Bills, Bills.” #wideright #googleit
• Second Line gets busy during “Get Me Bodied.”
• I’m not Vegas, but I’m setting the over/under for at -4 for wardrobe changes.
• During the performance for the aforementioned “Ratchet” single, Beyonce will be accompanied by dancers in Ratchet drag. Then the gay section of Black Twitter will explode again because, you know, we’re doubly oppressed and thangs.
• A rumor will start that Blue Ivy’s name has been temporarily changed to Blue XLVII, and the current Illuminati theory/ies on Bey and Jay will either be thoroughly disrupted or an entirely new subgenre will emerge, but mostly because no one can figure out how to pronounce her new name.
• Beyonce performs an “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” dedication to Whitney Elizabeth Houston and I promptly jump off the bandwagon, hating her forever.
• Some Debbie Downer math whiz will do the numbers for the amount of money spent and made during the Super Bowl, including commercials, and then compare it to how much the government spend on Hurricane Katrina and we will all be depressingly sad about the world we live in.