If you’re anything like me, chances are you showed up to work today a little tired from the weekend’s events. If you have no idea what I mean by “weekend’s events,” NSA is probably tapping all your stuff because you are un-American (and because they tap everybody). Of course I’m talking about the Super Bowl and the Seattle Seahawks straight up trouncing of the Denver Broncos last night [insert Manning face here]. The game was the culminating ritual of a two-week long event, a kind of sports revival, whose parts are being increasingly televised and thus are being hardwired into our collective psyche. With that in mind, I have a suggestion:

Make the Monday after the Super Bowl a national holiday.
F’real. The Super Bowl is full of everything that makes America (fuck yeah!) annoying: jingoism, nationalism, materialism, ignorant amounts of food and violent masculinity. It should be national holiday, celebrated on the first Monday of February, which has more or less become the day after the Super Bowl. We need the time to recover and reflect, protest, and write snarky Facebook comments. Anyway, Super Bowl Sunday encapsulates just about every other holiday this nation celebrates:

  • MLK Day — Black dudes and white dudes playing together for a common goal #Dreamrealized!
  • Presidents’ Day — They read, like, the Declaration of Independence and stuff during pre-game.
  • Memorial Day, Independence Day, Veterans Day — If the militaristic and war-like aspects of the game weren’t enough, there’s always a color guard marching before the game, someone sings the “Star Spangled Banner,” members of the armed forces are always shown overseas watching the game, and there are fighter jets. #BOOM
  • Labor Day — Delivery drivers and folks frying wings notwithstanding, who’s tryna put in hours during the game?
  • Columbus Day — Is there anything more imperialistic than giving the middle finger to the world by calling football football? Football is like rugby’s slave name or something.
  • Thanksgiving Day — Have you seen the lines at a grocery store on Super Bowl Sunday afternoon?!
  • Christmas Day — The commercials! The commercials!
Baseball might want to hold on to the idea that it’s America’s past time, but look, professional football and the ritual that has grown around it is the best single example of our culture. Football, more specifically the Super Bowl, explains America better than just about anything else, and we should all have a day off because of it. Close the banks; have a sale, hold a few parades. don’t deliver mail. We need this Monday off. It’s time for Roger Goodell and the POTUS to get together and make this happen. It’s only right. And American. Like apple pie and stuff.
All that said, although I was rooting for Peyton and the Broncos, I want to congratulate the Seahawks and their fans who, unlike Heat, Lakers, Yankees, and Boston (all sports) fans, manage to go hard for their team without being super annoying. The Seahawks were just a better team.