After 2 years of staying single—going on “dates” with various womyn, initiating quasi relationships—I’m back into an exclusive relationship. What I’ve learned over these consistently dynamic months (everyday was not easy), is that you can love multiple womyn—truly be crazy about the personalities of different people at the same time—but you must choose one for the sake of their emotional stability. I “chose” one person to call my girlfriend because she deserved a relationship that she could take seriously.
Often, adolescent and young adult relationships, due to the tendency to cruise and guard one’s self from heartbreak, end without experiencing intimacy, without undergoing compromise, without allowing unison. These are the things that make relationships special and give them substance. I’m writing this because I came back from Thanksgiving break with a girlfriend and upset some people that I love. It’s not the case that my other partners did not deserve a serious relationship. More importantly, I couldn’t destroy any more partnerships, like I’ve done in the past, which were consequences of my seemingly impractical philosophies of polyamory.
Theoretically, polyamorous relationships make perfect sense, but I’ve seen womyn wonder about why they weren’t good for me themselves, or lose sleep over the thought of me adoring someone else. Looking at this from a naïve perspective, I used to classify these as personal problems that could be changed with the right mindset, yet there’s no manifestation of carefulness within this perspective. In other words, although her problems are a reflection of her particular thinking, it is no less true that my actions are an impetus for her discomfort. Mutual accountability—my recognition of myself as an accomplice to the pain—is the natural reflex of a situation so endowed with intimacy, compromise and unison.
So I had to stop, I had to make the choice to stop disturbing the psyches of the womyn that I sincerely cherish. Memories of the first victim of my previous ideologies have haunted my every romantic move; it’s been a couple months of grief over the fact me and her will never be the same. To abort pioneering American polyamory, at least realistically, for me is the only way to salvage all of the bonds I currently share. Honestly I don’t know what to do with the residual limbo of my partners, yet there’s hope in the progression of my mind and this new relationship(s). Final prayer.