Some Unsolicited Love Advice for Queen Latifah
Dear Queen Latifah,
Well, look at you! Just the other week I was considering the conditions under which you might come out, and now word on the street is you’re all up in the magazines talking about what kind of women you like:
Queen Latifah: …I just like ladies who have class. Period. And if it’s “T and A” you’re sellin’, that’s fine, as long as that’s what you’re selling. But you don’t have to show everything, you know? You can hold some back and just be yourself and let your personality shine and let your individuality show. To me, that’s sexier. A confident woman is a sexy woman, in my opinion. And I think guys find that to be the same way.
Queen Latifah: You don’t have to show everything; you don’t have to put it all out there to attract a guy. Because what kind of guy are you gonna attract? What is he really looking for? If you wanna be a booty call, I guess you can throw it all out there. (laughs) But if you’re looking for a relationship with someone who respects you and respects things other than your body—your mind, your spirit, your personality, your smile—then you have to kind of exude that more so than just yo’ booty and yo’ titties.
Niiiiice ! (Before I go on, shout out to Sister 2 Sister magazine for still being in existence. Who knew?)
Now, Queen, I know that there’s a very distinct possibility that your people will issue a statement saying you’re not a lesbian and that you were simply answering a question completely unrelated to your sexuality. Fine, fine, fine. That’s what PR people are for. Besides, we all know that interviewers are constantly asking women celebrities to chime in on the kind of women they like. Our bad for getting all crunk and jumping to conclusions. We’ll cancel the parade.
Should you not issue such a statement, however, should this latest quote be yet another example of you edging closer to unequivocally admitting that you have an Isles of Lesbos stamp in your passport, well, about effin’ time good for you. I’m sure your people started receiving calls from Ellen and Olivia Cruises and Rosie and Suburu and Bravo after your appearance on Single Ladies, thereby confirming what your character, Sharon Love suggested: that being famous and gay doesn’t really seem all that bad. Gay is not the new black, but it can be the new green for the more notable of us. I suspect that you have time to endorse a few more products in between filming movies. As the great Katt Williams says, “By all means, get ya paper, boo boo.” Yet the other word on the street is that your long-time girlfriend broke up with you and that you want her back desperately. So here’s a bit of advice from a lowly commoner: Coming out as a business decision is lucrative; coming out to get your girl back is more gangster than Cleo.
Listen, Queen, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I’m just sayin’. Publicly acknowledging what the public already knows in an effort to get back your boo could be the best business decision you make this year. What you really want is to be a guest judge on Top Chef so that you can hype your HSN line. Saying you’re gay could get you all of that. But confirming you’re gay under the guise of a broken heart!? You get your guest appearance, you and your woman (reunited and it feels so good) are on the cover of Ebony (seriously, if Tyler Perry can talk about a “girlfriend” in Ebony it can’t be all that blasphemous to put you and your girl on the cover), your jazz albums are back on the charts (wtf?), and all of a sudden there’s pre-Oscar buzz about you in the starring role for the Bessie Smith biopic written, produced, and directed by that white dude who brought us Ray and Dream Girls…And you prove me correct.
Do you see my vision, Queen? This is not about pride parades and rainbow wallpaper in your guest bath. This is about getting you into the Oscar winners party. It could be epic. And you’d get your baby back. Think about it.
Thank me later.