When I was a kid, after every Thanksgiving dinner my dad would go around the table and have each kid say what we were thankful for. It was an excruciating process–and nothing like the scene from The Cosby Show. Since my siblings were younger and cuter they came off a lot less abrasive than a bespectacled prepubescent misanthropist way too young to be that cynical.

This many years later, I appreciate my dad’s Cosby-esque efforts at family togetherness and reflection. Such endeavors made my upbringing semi-respectable and gave me something to undermine in my adult life. And so, it is in that spirit that I consider some of the things I’m grateful for these few days before the Thanksgiving holiday.

  1. Kim Kardashian – I’m really thankful for her marriage. So much so that I think marriage abolitionists should push E! to create yet another Kardashian spin-off series called Aunt Kim’s Kabin, where viewers get an even closer look at the atrocities that was the Kardashian-Humphries “marriage” and become so disgusted with the peculiar institution that a wars starts. Except all the troops are in the Middle East, so there’s no one to fight on the sanctity of marriage side, so all the hippy pacifists win and everyone is free from getting hitched. Hey, it worked for Harriet Beecher Stowe.
  2. Phaedra Parks – What was RHOA¬†before this wonderful woman? I’m not just thankful for her and her glossiness. I. LOVE. HER. Everything she says is pure ¬†gold. If I were having Thanksgiving with my family this and it became my time to talk about what I was thankful for, I’d name Phaedra Parks before I even thought of mentioning my mama. This woman called Peter, Papa Smurf. Papa Smurf! If she tweets a photoshopped picture of Peter with Papa Smurf’s red commie hat, I’ll go work for her funeral home. I swear I will.
  3. Beyonce’s baby – Or will she have a wind machine? I’m thankful for this baby mostly because it gives us the much needed tv timeout from pop’s number one diva. I think pharmaceutical companies should come up with a condition that is the result of too much Beyonce. I’d totally take that medicine.
  4. NFL football – Because it’s helping me get through my Derrick Rose withdrawal.
  5. Kim Kardashian – Yes, she makes the list twice. Hopefully she will be the kryptonite that sinks Tyler Perry’s career. Having learned nothing from Reggie Bush and Ray-J, Perry kast Kardashian in his next movie, The Marriage Counselor. (You cannot make this stuff up!) Fans are mad. Real mad. Many are considering boycotting the film. And if the film could just tank, perhaps there is hope. Not much hope, but a little helps.
If you celebrate, please enjoy your holiday.