I save up all my BET watching minutes for one night: the BET Awards.  During the telecast, I’m generally underwhelmed and embarrassed for black people.  That last part is a lie.  Still, the BET Awards is how I up my hater stamina.  If I can sit through the entire show and say at least 50 snarky things, then I still deserve the appellation hater.  I call the whole process brandishing my hate game.

I live blogged the Awards show.  I share it with you this morning.  May it momentarily assuage your case of the Mondays.

19:01 Is this Kanye as Moses?  He’s on a mountain.  Is the microphone stand his staff?

19:03 Still waiting for the 10 Commandments

19:05 Drinking game: Take a shot every time Queen Latifah overheteros [acts obnoxiously straight] during this telecast.

19:08 Drink up!


19:10 Queen Latifah just called Trey Songz sexy, and asked him to take off his shirt. CHUG A LUG!

19:11 This BET Awards is the poor man’s version of, well, the BET Awards.

19:13 Queen Latifah raps!  Gee, I hope she’s freestyling.

19:15 Dear MC Lyte, there’s a microphone in front of your face.  Stop yelling.

19:22 Queen Latifah assumed the audience saw Chicago. #fail  I so thought she was about to imitate Tyler Perry.

19:24 Dear Usher, Kanye needs his smoke machine back after this performance.

19:30 Nicki Minaj’s wardrobe provided by David’s Bridal.

19:30 I hope Weezy can see this telecast in jail.

19:35 Who’s writing Queen Latifah’s jokes? Common?

19:37 This show has to be on a 45-minute delay. #TIperformance

19:39 For the record, I did not like Love Jones. In fact, I think I blame it for my aversion to spoken word. Love Nia Long, though.  LOVE HER.  (Call me.)

19:40 Has Larenz Tate been in a movie since Love Jones?

19:44 Drake just said his mom was a single mother. On stage.  At the BET awards.  As if he was saying something notable.

19:45 Two bucks says Drake plays a young Obama in the biopic.

19:50 Queen Latifah’s skits are like In Living Colour out takes. Or something.

19:52 Why does Alicia Keys sing like that? That whole screamy, breathy, whiny thing ain’t cool.

19:53 When I say I like an Alicia Keys song, I mean that I want someone else to sing it.

19:54 Kim Burrell.  Do not sing with her, Alicia. […]  She should’ve listened to me.

20:04 BET, Dorothy Height hates you.

20:10 What does it mean that the most talented person to perform so far at the BET Awards is a white guy? [Eminem]

20:12 of course the white guy would be backed by a gospel choir. #likeaprayer #iwanttoknowwhatloveis

20:15 Why does Deniece Williams look like an extra from Beetlejuice?

20:19 Queen Latifah just came out…in character as Cleo.

20:21 The theme for the BET Awards: Smoke machines

20:25 Seriously, the smoke machinists’ union must’ve threatened BET.

20:31 Quick. Guess how much gel is in Jermaine Jackson’s hair.

20:31 Speaking of Jermaine Jackson’s hair, why hasn’t BP called him?

20:32 So BET rectifies last year’s hastily composed Michael Jackson  “tribute” by having Chris Brown perform?

20:35 The kid can moonwalk, though.

20:38 Chris Brown is crying to “Man in the Mirror.” #wedontbelieveyouyouneedmorepeople

20:39 All these MJ imitators remind us just how great he was. That’s my silver lining, I guess.

20:46 Drake’s pre-performance thought bubble: What would Weezy do?

20:50 Is it ok that I want Drake to tear his ACL right now?

20:50 Is Diggy Simmons performing tonight?  He should.

20:51 If Drake is the best rapper out right now, then rap sucks.

20:58 The Black Eyed Peas can go straight to corporate hell.  Oh wait.  Nevermind.

20:59 Trey Songz winzzzz an award. First Jesus shout out of the night.

20:01 God bless El DeBarge. Glad to see his hair is still good. #geneticconk

21:05 I still feel the beat of the rhythm of the night. #80sbaby

21:06 Can El sing that jam from Short Circuit–“Who’s johnny?”

21:11 This Teddy P. tribute isn’t that bad.  Still, I miss Coca-Cola commercial Tyrese.

21:15 Ok. We all now know why Kirk Franklin doesn’t sing.

21:17 I wish Kim Burrell’s presence would make the rest of these women stop singing.

21:19 I don’t care how many women were shaking their butts on stage before this moment.  We will have church.

21:24 John Legend is so lucky Stevie, Elton, Billy, etc. got famous years ago. #stepawayfromthepiano

21:25 John Legend, it’s a humanitarian award, but it’s from BET.

21:36 Prince is so mad at Trey Songz right now. #purplepain

21:37 Prince’s thought bubble: I could’ve been making pancakes.

21:49 Mad love to Janelle Monae for being fully clothed on stage.  Not a fan of this performance, though.

21:53 BET must have blindly picked from the “Alternative Negro” section of their rolodex for this Prince tribute.

21:53 If I were Prince, I’d walk out right now.

21:55 No one is ever going to use that piano again.  Thanks, Alicia Keys.

21:59 Patti freaking LaBelle

22:00 Prince will be wearing Patti’s shoes at some point in the future.  Trust.

22:10 Was Chris Brown supposed to win an award?  Is BET making an effort to rehabilitate his career?