I save up all my BET watching minutes for one night: the BET Awards. During the telecast, I’m generally underwhelmed and embarrassed for black people. That last part is a lie. Still, the BET Awards is how I up my hater stamina. If I can sit through the entire show and say at least 50 snarky things, then I still deserve the appellation hater. I call the whole process brandishing my hate game.
I live blogged the Awards show. I share it with you this morning. May it momentarily assuage your case of the Mondays.
19:01 Is this Kanye as Moses? He’s on a mountain. Is the microphone stand his staff?
19:03 Still waiting for the 10 Commandments
19:05 Drinking game: Take a shot every time Queen Latifah overheteros [acts obnoxiously straight] during this telecast.
19:08 Drink up!
19:09 FREE LIL WAYNE!
19:10 Queen Latifah just called Trey Songz sexy, and asked him to take off his shirt. CHUG A LUG!
19:11 This BET Awards is the poor man’s version of, well, the BET Awards.
19:13 Queen Latifah raps! Gee, I hope she’s freestyling.
19:15 Dear MC Lyte, there’s a microphone in front of your face. Stop yelling.
19:22 Queen Latifah assumed the audience saw Chicago. #fail I so thought she was about to imitate Tyler Perry.
19:24 Dear Usher, Kanye needs his smoke machine back after this performance.
19:30 Nicki Minaj’s wardrobe provided by David’s Bridal.
19:30 I hope Weezy can see this telecast in jail.
19:35 Who’s writing Queen Latifah’s jokes? Common?
19:37 This show has to be on a 45-minute delay. #TIperformance
19:39 For the record, I did not like Love Jones. In fact, I think I blame it for my aversion to spoken word. Love Nia Long, though. LOVE HER. (Call me.)
19:40 Has Larenz Tate been in a movie since Love Jones?
19:44 Drake just said his mom was a single mother. On stage. At the BET awards. As if he was saying something notable.
19:45 Two bucks says Drake plays a young Obama in the biopic.
19:50 Queen Latifah’s skits are like In Living Colour out takes. Or something.
19:52 Why does Alicia Keys sing like that? That whole screamy, breathy, whiny thing ain’t cool.
19:53 When I say I like an Alicia Keys song, I mean that I want someone else to sing it.
19:54 Kim Burrell. Do not sing with her, Alicia. […] She should’ve listened to me.
20:04 BET, Dorothy Height hates you.
20:10 What does it mean that the most talented person to perform so far at the BET Awards is a white guy? [Eminem]
20:12 of course the white guy would be backed by a gospel choir. #likeaprayer #iwanttoknowwhatloveis
20:15 Why does Deniece Williams look like an extra from Beetlejuice?
20:19 Queen Latifah just came out…in character as Cleo.
20:21 The theme for the BET Awards: Smoke machines
20:25 Seriously, the smoke machinists’ union must’ve threatened BET.
20:31 Quick. Guess how much gel is in Jermaine Jackson’s hair.
20:31 Speaking of Jermaine Jackson’s hair, why hasn’t BP called him?
20:32 So BET rectifies last year’s hastily composed Michael Jackson “tribute” by having Chris Brown perform?
20:35 The kid can moonwalk, though.
20:38 Chris Brown is crying to “Man in the Mirror.” #wedontbelieveyouyouneedmorepeople
20:39 All these MJ imitators remind us just how great he was. That’s my silver lining, I guess.
20:46 Drake’s pre-performance thought bubble: What would Weezy do?
20:50 Is it ok that I want Drake to tear his ACL right now?
20:50 Is Diggy Simmons performing tonight? He should.
20:51 If Drake is the best rapper out right now, then rap sucks.
20:58 The Black Eyed Peas can go straight to corporate hell. Oh wait. Nevermind.
20:59 Trey Songz winzzzz an award. First Jesus shout out of the night.
20:01 God bless El DeBarge. Glad to see his hair is still good. #geneticconk
21:05 I still feel the beat of the rhythm of the night. #80sbaby
21:06 Can El sing that jam from Short Circuit–“Who’s johnny?”
21:11 This Teddy P. tribute isn’t that bad. Still, I miss Coca-Cola commercial Tyrese.
21:15 Ok. We all now know why Kirk Franklin doesn’t sing.
21:17 I wish Kim Burrell’s presence would make the rest of these women stop singing.
21:19 I don’t care how many women were shaking their butts on stage before this moment. We will have church.
21:24 John Legend is so lucky Stevie, Elton, Billy, etc. got famous years ago. #stepawayfromthepiano
21:25 John Legend, it’s a humanitarian award, but it’s from BET.
21:36 Prince is so mad at Trey Songz right now. #purplepain
21:37 Prince’s thought bubble: I could’ve been making pancakes.
21:49 Mad love to Janelle Monae for being fully clothed on stage. Not a fan of this performance, though.
21:53 BET must have blindly picked from the “Alternative Negro” section of their rolodex for this Prince tribute.
21:53 If I were Prince, I’d walk out right now.
21:55 No one is ever going to use that piano again. Thanks, Alicia Keys.
21:59 Patti freaking LaBelle
22:00 Prince will be wearing Patti’s shoes at some point in the future. Trust.
22:10 Was Chris Brown supposed to win an award? Is BET making an effort to rehabilitate his career?